Beyond the Behavior: Learning to Truly See the Person
I want to talk about something we often do without realizing it: we see behavior before we see the person.
Someone becomes distant, and we assume they don't care.
Someone gets angry, and we label them difficult.
Someone seems to have it all together, and we assume they don't need support.
But what we see on the surface is rarely the whole story.
In therapy, part of the work is learning to become curious about what is happening underneath a behavior. Anger may be protecting hurt. Perfectionism may be driven by fear. Withdrawal may be someone's attempt to feel safe. Even the patterns that create problems in our lives often developed for a reason.
When we understand the story, the behavior often begins to make more sense.
I think this is one of the things Jesus modeled so beautifully.
Throughout the Gospels, Jesus encountered people whom others had already decided they understood.
Zacchaeus was a tax collector.
The Samaritan woman had a complicated relational history.
The woman with the issue of blood was considered unclean.
Bartimaeus was the blind man people told to be quiet.
Yet Jesus repeatedly looked beyond the labels others had given people. He stopped. He asked questions. He noticed. He saw the person underneath the story everyone else had already written about them. There is something deeply restorative about being encountered that way.
Psychologically, feeling understood can create safety. When we experience another person as curious rather than judgmental, we are often more able to lower our defenses, explore what we're feeling, and make sense of our own experiences.
Spiritually, Scripture gives us a picture of a God who already knows the full story and still draws near. Maybe witnessing begins with learning to look again. Not just at what someone is doing, but with curiosity about what they may be carrying.
This Week's Restorative Practice
Choose one encounter between Jesus and another person in the Gospels and read it slowly.
As you read, consider:
What did everyone else seem to notice about this person?
What did Jesus notice?
How did Jesus respond differently because of what He saw?
What might this teach me about the difference between looking at someone and truly seeing them?
You don't have to do anything with your answers. Just notice what comes up.
Learning to Look Again
Seeing someone does not mean excusing every behavior or ignoring the impact of their choices. It means remembering that behavior is rarely the whole person. There is always more beneath the surface—a story, a fear, a wound, a longing, a need we may not immediately understand.
Jesus shows us another way of encountering people. He reminds us that we can hold truth and compassion at the same time. We can acknowledge what is happening while remaining curious about the person standing in front of us. And perhaps that kind of seeing is part of how restoration begins.
When someone experiences the safety of being known without immediately being reduced to their worst moment, their hardest behavior, or the label someone else gave them, something can begin to soften.
So this week, practice looking again. At the person who frustrates you. At the person you don't quite understand. And maybe even at yourself.
Because sometimes the first step toward restoration is simply being willing to see the whole person.