Becoming a Witness: The Gift of Staying
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been exploring what it means to be witnessed. We’ve talked about our human longing to be seen and known, considered how our experiences shape the ways we show up in relationships, and explored the importance of looking beneath the surface—seeing not only someone’s behavior, but becoming curious about the story underneath it.
But there is another side to being witnessed: What does it mean to become a witness for someone else?
Our Instinct Is Often to Fix
When someone we care about is hurting, most of us instinctively want to do something. We give advice, offer solutions, share a similar experience from our own lives, or reassure them that everything will be okay. Usually, these responses come from a good place. We care about the person in front of us, and we don’t want to see them hurting.
But sometimes our desire to make someone feel better can unintentionally move us away from what they actually need. In our rush to find the right words or offer a solution, we can miss the opportunity to simply be present with them. They may not need an answer yet. They may need someone who is willing to stay.
The Safety of Being Understood
Psychologically, feeling understood can help create a sense of emotional safety. When another person is able to remain present with our experience without immediately trying to change it, explain it away, minimize it, or make it more comfortable, we are given something incredibly valuable: space to experience and process what we are actually feeling.
Think about the difference between hearing, “Here’s what I think you should do,” and hearing, “That sounds really painful. I’m here.” One moves quickly toward a solution, while the other communicates presence. There will certainly be moments when advice, problem-solving, or action is necessary. Witnessing doesn’t mean that we never speak or help. It simply means that we learn not to rush past someone’s experience because their pain makes us uncomfortable.
Sometimes healing doesn’t begin with an answer. Sometimes it begins with someone willing to stay.
Mourning With Those Who Mourn
Scripture gives us a beautiful picture of this kind of presence in Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Notice the invitation contained within those words. We are called to rejoice with and mourn with. There is no instruction to fix the rejoicing or solve the mourning. Instead, there is an invitation to enter into another person’s experience.
Perhaps that is part of what witnessing asks of us. Rather than standing outside someone’s experience and immediately analyzing it, fixing it, or explaining it, we become willing to sit beside them within it. We allow their experience to be what it is without demanding that it become something different simply so that we can feel more comfortable.
This does not mean becoming responsible for another person’s healing. It means becoming willing to see them while they heal. Sometimes being deeply seen—without judgment, pressure, or the demand to hurry—is part of the healing itself.
This Week’s Restorative Practice
This week, pay attention to what happens inside of you when someone shares something difficult. Do you immediately want to offer advice? Do you begin searching for the “right” thing to say? Do you become uncomfortable with their emotions? Do you feel responsible for making them feel better? And perhaps most importantly, can you remain present even when you cannot fix what is happening?
You don’t have to change anything yet. Simply notice. Notice the urge to fill the silence, the impulse to reassure, or the moment when another person’s discomfort begins creating discomfort in you. Then, perhaps, practice staying for just a moment longer.
Becoming a witness isn’t about having the perfect words. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer another person is the message communicated through our presence: I see you. I hear you. You don’t have to rush through this with me.
Awareness is often where a new way of relating begins.